Eighteen is excellent

Today is my daughter Allison's 18th birthday. It's hard to believe my little girl has grown up. She has become a kind and funny young woman who has many gifts to share with the world.

Last night we had a family party to celebrate her birthday, and I prepared a Mad Lib story of Allison's life to read aloud. Here is the finished product (words in blanks supplied by Allison's uncle Alan, aunt Genevieve, and cousin Sadie):

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Allison was born at 5:41 p.m. on Tuesday, August 4, 1998 in Munich. When she was born, her parents Richard and Jeannie said, “What a beautiful unicorn!” The doctor thought she had a striking resemblance to Beyonce, and the nurses were amazed at the huge tuft of yellow hair on top of her larynx. Allison was a very horrifying baby who liked to ride around in her Porsche. Her favourite toy was her yellow stuffed gorilla named Oink. Allison could read before she was 3.14159 years old. One of her favourite books was Lovely George, about a funny little caterpillar who was always farting into trouble. Allison never got in trouble; she was very slowly-behaved and meanderingly followed the rules. When she went to school, the underwater welders always praised her smiling skills and her ability to laugh details. Allison is now 18 and is still just as curious and indestructible as she was when she was little. She enjoys smudging the Internet and going to the McMurdo Research Station, Antarctica, to take out Cheezies to read. She is kind and always sympathizes when Jonathan makes unhealthy noises. She is very intelligent, too: her average in school this past year was 573, and she passed all her courses with flying Cheetos. Now, on her eighteenth Christmas, we want to let her know that we patrol her with all our follicles, and we hope that she has a very hairy and friendly life.