WOMAN FORCED TO ADMIT SHE RARELY USES HER PHONE AS A PHONE

Less than six weeks after purchasing her Motorola 3G android phone, Kingston mother of two Jeannie Prinsen has admitted she seldom uses her new phone as an actual phone.

"I upgraded from my old flip phone because I hated how people snorted derisively whenever I opened it," said Prinsen, seemingly oblivious to the fact that others were probably paying absolutely no attention to her. "I know Adele uses one in her 'Hello' video, but I assumed that was just because of her extremely long nails." 

Prinsen got her new smartphone in a post-Christmas Koodo sale and imagined herself using it to make frequent, lengthy telephone calls to family and friends. Instead, she has found herself using it mostly to go on Facebook, exchange witty Twitter quips with neighbours about the Super Bowl halftime show, send and receive texts, and check the weather forecast.

In fact, when pressed, she admitted that she had only used her new phone to make a single call: one afternoon she phoned her husband to tell him she was just leaving Staples and would be home in less than half an hour.

The revelation seemed to take Prinsen by surprise, as she said, "I'm an introvert! I hate talking on the phone! I don't know what I was thinking." Having finally admitted to rarely using her phone as a phone, she asked plaintively, "Does that make me a bad person?"

If it does, she's in good company. Studies show that of all current smartphone users, only 3-5% of them regularly make what we would call "telephone calls" on it. In fact, on condition of anonymity, a few users even confessed that they had not yet set up voicemail and were not entirely sure how to do so.

These "facts" seemed to reassure Prinsen. She even pointed out that she knew of other people who had objects which they used for purposes other than what they were originally intended for: "I know someone who uses their treadmill to hang wet laundry on. And I even heard of someone who used one of those nail polish dryers as a paperweight."

Prinsen said she would continue using her phone not as a phone and has decided to go easy on herself for this lapse. "My word for 2016 is 'forgive myself,'" she said. When reminded that that was actually TWO words, she replied that 2016 would be the year she broke all the rules. "I might even start using semicolons in places where a comma would actually be more appropriate," said the online writing instructor, with a conspiratorial wink.